TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's Trump Tower Damascus gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Options


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting consideration from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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